I hadn't been to church since
by gonegirlmyself
Summary: Ponyboy, Johnny, and the Three Stooges go to church, as mentioned on page 66 of The Outsiders. Idiocy ensues. One-shot. Rated T for language.


Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders.

"Stevie, be a gentleman and scoot over for your good pal Two-Bit," the rust-haired greaser sung out, batting his eyelashes in mock flirtation at an indignant Steve.

The seventeen year old wondered vaguely if the idiot was still soused from last night.

"Jesus, Two-Bit. You'd make one ugly ass broad," Steve snorted, nudging Soda in the ribs to make space for the wise ass.

"Why, Mr. Steve Randle," Two-Bit rung out in an obnoxious falsetto, earning glares from two white-headed crones a few rows ahead, "is that any way to talk in this sacred house of the good ol' lord Jesus Christ?"

He closed his eyes in false piety as he made the sign of the cross on his chest, and then nestled snugly beside his buddy and cackled out loud.

Ponyboy scowled in their general direction as he tried to focus his attention on the beginnings of the sermon.  
He wondered vaguely how having the three of them there could result in anything but idiocy.

"Say, Two-Bit, you think this Sunday Service is gonna wash that liquor out your blood stream so I don't have to listen to you squawking like a broad all day?"

Steve smirked at Two-Bit's frown.

"I ain't drunk, shithead," he muttered. "But I wish I did have me a drink right about now."  
He whipped his head around the room trying to focus on something that didn't want to make him fall into a coma.

"Now, now, boys, settle down. We wouldn't wanna embarrass Pony an' Johnnycake, would we?" Soda ruffled the kid's hair as the latter whacked his brother's hand away. Soda snickered at Pony's scowl.

This was sure to be a long morning.

xx 

The sermon bellowed throughout the church as Soda began to fidget in his seat.

 _"And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon..."_

"Did David make a move and nail the broad or was he too much of a candyass? Whattya think, Stevie?" Two-Bit quipped as he leaned back and rested the back of his head in his hands.

Steve chuckled under his breath before turning his attention to Soda.

He was starting to tap his foot impatiently. The blonde's thigh bounced up and down and it was annoying the hell out of Steve.

Sometimes Soda was worse than a goddamn toddler.

"Will you cut it out, Soda? It was your bright idea to drag us here."

Soda stopped tapping his foot, but eyed his best-friend with mild indignation before smirking to himself.

He proceeded to pinch Steve's thigh so that he let out an involuntary low-pitched yelp.

"Ah, you fuckin' prick!"  
Soda winked and blew his buddy a kiss. It earned him a wack on the head.

Two-Bit snorted and fingered a cigarette idly as his eyes scanned the pews for a distraction.

"Say, fellas. I thought this was gonna be one of those 'praise the lord', bible thumpin' parties where there's singin', dancin', ladies faintin' an' all that."

"What the hell gave you that bright idea?"

"Shit, I dunno. Think we oughta turn up the volume in here? Maybe if we get some ladies faintin' we can give 'em some mouth to mouth."

Evidently, Two-Bit had forgotten to take a cold shower that morning.

"Two-Bit, most of these ladies look old as my mom. You sayin' you get hot for them crow's feet."  
Steve raised an eyebrow at him.

"Nah, I'm sayin' if I had to choose between your mom an' your kid sister, I'd be givin' your mom mouth to mouth."

Two-Bit grinned. Soda laughed into his hands.

And Steve took note that he'd have to belt Two-Bit across the head before the day ended.

xxx

Soda didn't do well with paying attention to something that failed to hold his interest for more than 5 minutes.

The middle Curtis leaned in out of earshot of the kids who'd curiously inched farther and farther away from them as the sermon went on.

"I'm so borrrrrred" he moaned melodramatically, mock banging his head against the pew in front of them.  
"Whattya think Darry and Dally are doin' right now?" Soda asked, just to be saying something.

Two-Bit indulged his friend. "Darry's breaking his back building houses for Socs and Dally's snoring like a freight train on your couch." Soda groaned again. Steve rested an elbow on his leg and stabbed idly at a hole in his jeans with a toothpick.

Two-Bit, well, Two-Bit was finally getting something out of the sermon, alright. Hey, it's what the kid wanted isn't it?

 _"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the lust of the eyes is as sure a way to sin as the lust of the flesh..."_

Two-Bit lazily reached over Steve and smacked Soda into consciousness. "Speakin' of lust of the eyes, check out the rack on little Miss Brigitte Bardot over there," he grinned earnestly, waggling his eyebrows at his buddy.  
Soda's head shot up, "Where?" he asked like a hungry puppy. Steve scanned the crowd of church-going stiffs to eye Two-Bit's blonde. When he saw her, he let out a low whistle.

"Forgettin' all about Kathy, are we, Two-Bit?" The dark-haired greaser teased. Two-Bit flipped his buddy the bird.  
"Nah, but little miss perky reminded me of Sandy. Thought I'd cheer Soda up," Two-Bit shot Soda a wink. The pretty boy stared at his friend incredulously, and it was Steve's turn to laugh.  
"What's that 'sposed to mean, huh?"  
"Sandy's perky."

A paper wad hit Two-Bit square in the forehead. "Fuck!" Two-Bit moaned dramatically. He pouted up at his friend as Soda grinned in momentary triumph. The old crones turned around and hushed the wisecracking greaser scornfully. Two-Bit muttered a half-hearted apology before turning back around to his friends.

"I'll get you for that, pretty boy. Don't think your charms work on me."  
"We'll see about that, buddy."

Two-Bit rubbed a hand on his forehead and leaned in closer.

"Hey, Ponyboy, you come here to listen to the good pastor or do you got perky blondes on the brain too?"  
"My kid brother ain't got no designs on any girls, Two," Soda said while throwing an arm around his brother and pulling him closer. He turned to Ponyboy. "But she don't look too old, I could introduce you," Soda teased, raising a questioning eyebrow.

He was cocksure he could charm anything on two legs.

"Aw, cut it out, guys!" Ponyboy grumbled, shrugging himself out of Soda's grasp, his ears red with irritation at the clowns beside him.  
He needed a damn cigarette.  
Soda raised his hands up in surrender.

"Don't worry about 'em, Pony. Just try to listen," Johnny said as comfortingly as he could.  
"Hard to listen with the Ringling Brothers circus goin' on right next to me," he mumbled.

 _Smartass._

"Don't get your panties in a twist, kid," Steve ragged. Ponyboy ignored his brother's best buddy.

"Mmm, panties." Two-Bit smirked, tilting his head back and closing his eyes in contentment. He started humming some Elvis tune.

Steve watched curiously as Two-Bit smiled to himself. Figures that they were sitting in a church while Two-Bit was thinking about getting off with some broads.

"Panties," he repeated in a mock flushed voice.

"Jesus, you need five minutes alone with yourself, Two-Bit?" Steve smacked his friend on the stomach and watched with amusement as he doubled over in surprise.  
"Yeah," he croaked out, still clutching his stomach, "this church have a confessional or somethin'?"

"Why, you wanna confess you're a jackass? The good lord already knows," Soda chimed.

He gave him a shit-eating grin before grabbing a comb from his pocket and instinctively running it through his dark blonde hair.

It was the middle Curtis' turn to flinch when Two-Bit picked up the paper ball he'd been hit with and launched it back him. He hadn't been counting on needing to use it, but the handsome, smug bastard had it coming.

Soda got a curious gleam in his eye, and his face broke out with glee. He began crumpling wad after wad of paper he had stuffed under his leg on the pew. Two-Bit's eyes grew bigger.

"It's war now, buddy."  
"Where the hell did ya get all-" but Two-Bit didn't have time to finish his question.

Steve got wise to Soda's plan and grabbed a few of the paper wads  
He whipped them at Two-Bit so fast, the older greaser didn't have time to blink.  
Soda crouched down to pick them up lest he decided to hoard all their hard-earned ammunition.

Ponyboy and Johnny looked more and more mortified with each passing second. They'd been doing good ignoring the three but….

Now the kid really needed a cigarette. He motioned for Johnny to move down the pew, away from the paper warfare and the trio instigating it.

"Damn it, boys. Save it for 'Nam." Two-Bit bellowed as he rebuffed the hits coming his way.

He reached in vain over Steve to grab paper from Soda, but Soda pulled it away as quick as lightening.

Two-Bit muttered a string of curses under his breath.

Hell, who knew these visitor cards would come in handy?

Some of the stiffs were starting to stare now, much to Pony and Johnny's horror. But being good church-going folk they tried to ignore the little hoodlums and focus on the pastor's words.  
Better to pray for their souls than indulge their insolence.

But the clowns weren't going to make it easy for anyone.

As Soda prepared to launch another air strike, Two-Bit grabbed Steve into a headlock.

"Now take it easy, Soda, or this greasy ass mug is gonna get it," he warned with his infamous Cheshire grin.

He inched his comb towards a scowling Steve.  
"Don't you goddamn dare, you half-wit," Steve choked out.

"Shh. Shh," Two-Bit cooed, "tell your buddy here to lower his wad or your sissy little hair swirls are gonna get it."  
He brought his comb closer to Steve's head.

"His _wad_? Really Two-Bit?" Steve snorted in spite of himself.

He wasn't a patient guy, but he thought he'd humour his friend, even if his breath was starting to hitch.

Besides, he was waiting 'till Two-Bit was completely distracted so he could smack the idiot upside the head with the choir book he snatched from the back of the pew.

The kid was starting to bite his fingernails while shooting glances at the three stooges.

Johnnycake just looked straight ahead waiting for the shit fest happening to his right to explode into a shit storm.  
He'd be lying though, if he said he wasn't vaguely amused, even if his amusement was out-shadowed by his mortification.

"Drop it." Two-Bit persisted.

Soda lowered the crumpled paper in his hand. He mock glowered at his enemy in paper warfare.  
"Don't worry, Stevie, I got your back. I ain't gonna let him get ya."  
Soda dramatically raised one hand in surrender as he lowered the other to place the paper wad on the ground.  
"You win, ya hear? Just leave my buddy alone. He's never hurt no-one. He don't deserve to go out like this."  
Two-Bit smirked.  
Steve rolled his eyes and prepared to end this dumbass farce once and for all.

 _"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him..."_

"That's a good boy-" the wack of the choir book hitting the floor echoed throughout the church, startling Two-Bit out of his stronghold on Steve.

"Aw, fuck it to hell!" Steve never had been very good at keeping his mouth shut.

He didn't count on the choir book slipping out of his hand and failing to meet To-Bit's thick skull.

The preaching stopped and icy, incredulous glares met the boys at every turn.

Steve rubbed good-naturedly at his neck as he gave the room a sheepish grin.  
Soda looked over at his brother and Johnnycake apologetically, trying not to cackle.

But Two-Bit...he _waved_ at them all.

He thought about bowing and tipping an imaginary hat, but waving just seemed more dignified after that performance.

Ponyboy didn't need one lousy cancer stick. He needed a whole pack of 'em.  
The kid threw a hand over his face and sank in his seat. Johnny followed suit.

"Remind me never to go to Church with these jokers again, Johnny."


End file.
